Connecting dots

Excerpts from Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement speeh,

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect the dots looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your guts, destiny, life, karma whatever. By believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it lead you off a well-worn path, and that will make all the differences.”

“Sometimes life gonna hit your head with a brick, don’t lose faith. You gotta find what you love to do. And that is true for you work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life. And the only way to be satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to do what you love. If you haven’t find it, keep looking and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know it when you found it.”

“Everything, external expectations, pride, fears of embarrassment, failures – falls away in the face of death. What is truly important is that you are going to die, which is the best way to avoid the trap of there is something to lose. You are already naked, there is nothing but to follow your heart”

“No one wants to die. Yet, death is the destination we all share. It is the greatest life invention, a life-changing agent. Your time is limited. Don’t waste it living somebody else’ life. Don’t be trapped with dogmas, which is, living with the results of other people’ thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drowns your own inner voice and most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Stay hungry, stay foolish

A simpleton couldn’t see

To sum up my current situation:

• There is a fire burning  my heart but the cold reality is slowly creeping in
• Most of the times I have are spent doodling and daydreaming of some sort of grand plans
• I’m scared of the future, growing old and to realize I didn’t do anything when I had the chance.
• I believe in God, but I’m still finding my way home and my calling.
• I wish I could start all over again, a chance to get it right.
• I’m like a broken cistern, never could get it filled.
• What really stopping me from taking a step too far is simply the sense of responsibility to my family, and I always wonder what will happen next after I settled it.
• I’m still finding the cure for my pain. I know God is all healing, all love….and I’m still stubborn to want to find my own way. Stupid.
• I envy those who have found their purpose whatever that might be, and who are reaching for it, and sleep peacefully because they are too tired from it.
• I’m trying to make sense of it all….the fragility of life, yet how love and hope continues to flicker from the souls.

Writing all this down is making me realize, I have let myself stuck in the past, in the state of constant self-inflicted agony, and worst, waiting for someone to take notice. Well, no one will. Because they have their own lives to lead and problems to deal with. There are worst things that is happening out there, and I’m so selfish and stupid to keep whining about my PAST problems.

It’s time again I take charge of my life, and allow God to steer my way home.

All that I’m asking for
Is that you need nothing more
And nothing comes in between
Our love and its fragile scene

Beneath the stains of time

“I’ve been spending too much time around friends and fallen heroes, stay ing up too late, running away from my thoughts, punishing my body, killing myself one day at a time. The exhaustion is numbing — exactly what I need — but I know I can’t keep this up for ever. I used to lose a day here and there, think it’s Wednesday on a Thursday. Now I lose entire weeks. I’ve decided that it’s all okay as long as shit gets done.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling trapped. I’m too busy to see past things as they are right now, a victim of my own self-distraction, so it feels like I’ll be here forever, stuck in this end less loop of healing and heartbreak.

I’m still trying to find that delicate balance between accepting myself (which risks compla cency) and striving to improve (and the constant dissatisfaction). At the very least, I’ve come to the realization that there’s a difference between the things that happen to us and the way we react or deal with them, and since you have no say in the former, all you can do is improve the latter.

Sometimes you have to die a little inside to figure that out.”

How I wish I could claim this as mine. But it’s not. I guess there is someone out there who could put words what I felt most of the times. Trapped in a limbo of trying to lead a normal life yet a constant dweller of the past. Maybe what is really happening is that I’m scared of leading a normal life because I don’t know how. Playing the roles of a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, wife, mother and so on. And I just don’t want to be normal, I wish for it all to be extraordinary. But I don’t have the confidence of achieving it. Always a disappointment when expected.

Maybe I also do not want to leave it all behind me. It made me what I am today. I know it’s silly to think this way. To think that if I truly did leave it behind, lead a normal life…. My past will be insignificant. I had too much going on then, to just let it be fading memories.

Everybody gotta learn sometime. I guess, I’m still trying to figure it out.

That’s it. I need a plan for my life.

My personal definition of being together

http://kamigoroshi.net/thoughtful/relationships-are-not-meant-to-make-you-happy

Maybe one of the reasons I haven’t been in a relationship is because I don’t really want one. Because I rather wait. I believe relationship is the whole picture of a jigsaw puzzle of two uniquely individual, that their union form the perfect or some say, imperfect beautiful puzzle.

And right now, I’m sort of in a relationship… Maybe it will end very soon too. How come? Before it, I thought I have a problem being in one with all my past baggages. I could see how much we complement each other but I hold out. And I gave in to my feelings. I won’t say I regret any of it, but I know if I didn’t do something now, I will regret much more later.

Being in a relationship does not mean you will be happy at all times. Your happiness is your own responsibility. Being in a relationship means that you have to be responsible not only for yourself, but also to your partner. Taking care the emotional, mental, spiritual and also physical needs of two. This already sound way way tiring and taxing, make a person like me grabbing my sport shoes and running the other way. I barely could stand up on my two feet for now.

Of course, the love and joy part make everything seem easier. But we all know, happiness is a transient emotion and love is a luxury commodity. An object of desire, too precious to be owned but never enough to hold on to in a relationship.

A lot fell for the idealistic notions of a relationship, a lot burned from it. I hope I could one day find the key to the true meaning of being together, and locks to forever bind the bond of that union. I’m looking for completeness. Being completely open to one another, being completely devoted, and completely vulnerable….knowing the other is ever ready to catch from below. And creating, not finding happiness during the best and worst times. Simply because, “Whether you choose to create that happiness with the the person that completes your life, is a responsibility that rests solely on your shoulders. Kamigoroshi”

It’s never right to judge if a person understand the real meaning of love, or accuse a person of havent been in love. Because this is a part of their journey. But is important that before we embark in a journey together, we have at least an understanding of our personal definitions of being together. Better to start with a correct footing, than tripping into the world of complicated dramas.