Insecure

To few, they know the truth. I’m in a relationship with a guy who is not a figment of my imagination. That said, you can count with your fingers. And I have been with him for more than a month now.

I have few social rules considering when one start a relationship. Never date a guy whose last relationship ended less than 6 months ago. Don’t update your FB status within the first 6months in your relationship. All for good measures for when one crash and burn fast, to avoid the social embarrassment.

But I couldn’t bring myself to admit to friends and family, couldn’t even admit to my closest friends from the past or future. One of my close guy friend asked last night, “So seeing anyone special lately?” I replied within a sec, “Nope.” But WHY??!!          I wasn’t embarrassed. It wasn’t a mistake. I do have strong feelings for him. So instead of being someone acting silly cuz she is in love, I’m always so careful with him. Why.

And I remembered this line from Criminal Minds,

JJ: (to Will) It’s not that I didn’t want them to know, I don’t care about that. It’s not about the relocating, it’s not about traveling on the weekends, or some guy. It’s… I didn’t want to tell anyone because the minute I do, it becomes real. And when it becomes real, people get hurt. And I… I’ve always run from getting hurt, always, and I don’t want to run anymore. Not from you, and…
Will: JJ, just shut up. (He kisses her.)

I guess, I still think this is all too good to be true. That someone loves me just the way I am. And it’s real.

But after a month or so, things are not tat easy as it seem. I told myself I will just let the time and the relationship run its course. I should trust him. I will not check on him or whatever.

I have to admit, I did expect more. And I still analyzing him. I do check his FB for some hidden info.

I’m not ready to show to anyone because I’m not convinced that this is real. And I’m too scared to get hurt again.

What’s on my mind? I think we jumped into the relationship too fast. Give in to passion too early. I thought in the first phase of relationship, it will be as if we r inseparable.  I thought we would be spending hours talking or smsing. I thought he will do something sweet and romantic, totally out of the blue stuff. Maybe I watched too many movies and day dreams a lot. Because in reality, people have more important things to do than being lovey-dovey, such as saving lives.

But is it in this case? Or that, I was just there and I give in to his advances easily. Maybe I’m just another activity. Maybe he doesn’t really have strong feelings for me, and is ‘gentleman enough’ to not end things with me. I don’t know. I’m scared. Get a grip, lady!

What am I to do now? A part of me want to sit him down and voice out my insecurities, risk looking like a psycho and making him realize it and make the appropriate adjustments and that may include ending things.

Or just swallow my insecurities, trust this and, let time and relationship run its course. Unfortunately, this is so unlike me to keep quiet. It’s either we talk or screw you, I have better things to do anyway well, I hope I’m that daring.