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The things bugging my mind
It’s been a long time.
- Work takes up most of my time and my mind. I can say I’m happy immersing in it, even with the little dramas here and there. People can say I can be full of myself but what I’m really doing is to rebuild my self-confidence. Being proud of what I can do and achieved, and able to dream of a bright future….that is something.
- Drinking much less now. But spending more. It is less pathetic, n less harmful. But I still have to remind myself I am an alcoholic, and I should try harder to stop.
- Been having sleeping problem. It’s not a new problem. Just that the dreams bothers me a lot and most of the time, they were the unpleasant one that my stupid subconscious mind seem to love reminding me.
- Not depending on any medications. It didn’t really help and I think I’m strong enough to deal with my inner problems.
- I am still angry. I still couldn’t forget. The little details seem to be vanishing bit by bit from my memory. But I still can sense the pain and anger in my heart.
- I can’t help but to wonder, how everything unfolded and re-folded right in front of my eyes. How difficult to comprehend it, let alone accept it without questions. Even though you know there is no answer.
- When I wasn’t ready to deal with it, everything came crashing down on me. When I’m feeling stronger, it seem life just pass me by. What they say is true, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
- Now I learnt to accept it. In life, you can never have everything. Love, family, career etc. One of it will be sacrificed for others. But we humans seem to pay the most attention to the thing we do not have. Everyone has at least one sad story.
Storm is coming
And like Icarus, I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
The problem lies in me. I am the only one to blame for this. I always know I have insecurity issue and I’m never satisfied. Always make myself feel I’m the tortured artist, the guilt-ridden prodigal daughter, the fallen Icarus….that I myself doesn’t deserve the second chance but at the same time, feel the world owe it to me.
This time, after many years of relative calm periods….I collided. I could blame the person for it. But I did know better. I was aware. But my need to have someone with me…to get me out of the emptiness, to fulfil my expectations, to make me feel secured…for someone I have waited for to get me out of the cave. I chose to scratch an itch over reasons. I knew better that he wasn’t the one for my fragile heart.
All said and done. Of course I didn’t expect him to turn out to be a total heartless son of the bitch. I didn’t expect to be treated with total insensitivity of his part. I didn’t expect to fall down hard on the ground, and then beaten to the pulp again and again.
I could scream out of the unfairness, the injustice whatever. I don’t deserve to pay this price for my insecurity issue. But like I said, it is all said and done. I do have issue and it has been ignored far too long. I know I have the potential to be an excellent person, and I keep choosing to be a mediocre person. I keep expecting for an easy way out, and wait for a person to come and settle my problem for me. And I am never satisfied with whatever I have or achieved.
I became an alcoholic. I disintegrated my life goals and plans. WAKE UP. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. So stop denying it that you have it under control. Stop denying that it helps you to get over your issues. And it is not too late to turn back.
Everything now…it is just an illusion/rubbish. Because ultimately, it is only ME. If I want to be better, I need the willpower to be better. If I want to succeed, I must have the willpower to keep pushing. I always get what I want, if I want it.
If life is a game, and I’m the game master….I lost this battle. But there is always the next round. And the consolation I get from this loss is that, I didn’t lose myself and my moral compass is intact. Maybe there is karma or whatever, but I learned we could never understand how the universe works its way. Just have faith that there is something good for us coming.
Cave
Every morning I wake up imagining stabbing the asshole in the heart. Multiple times. Then I got up from the bed hoping it will be a good day. That something good will happen and wake me up from the inside.
I go to work. I do what is necessary. I hang out wit my friends, and I handle their personal lives the best I could. And then, I punched out.
Probably the toughest thing and the thing I haven’t got through it is the drive back home.
The realization that it’s just another day. It wasn’t a good day, it wasn’t a bad day. Just another day. I went back to my cave.
My sister said I was waiting for a drama to happen, so I can feel alive again. So that the emotions can once again control me, so I can feel the extreme despair of my existence. And she is right about it.
Everyday I come out from my cave at sunrise, waiting and retreat back to my cave when the sun sets. I got too comfortable with my cave. And yes, I am depressed and self sabotaging my life…yet again.
The only way I guess, is to get out from the cave. Destroy it if I must. The funny thing is I already figured out what I really want in this life. I’m just too comfortable in my cave to seek it out. Always waiting for someone to hold my hand and lead me out of the cave.
What I didn’t realize is that this is Amazon. N there are actual aboriginal population that hasn’t been discover in the Amazon, and this is the 21st century. So am I really expecting someone to come and discover my little cave in the Amazon?
Logically speaking, my chances of being discovered is higher if I leave breadcrumbs around.
Once again I allowed my emotion to control my life.
Dear cave, i’m sorry but I have to leave you. You have serve me well to shelter me and protect me from the harshness of life. I will once in awhile come back and spend some quality time with you. But I mustn’t overstay my welcome or it won’t do us any good.
Who does that?
He never let me into his heart. He just wanted me…maybe I was the flavour of the month or the need to feel some normalcy in life. Maybe that his best friend found someone and he wanted someone too.
Maybe I was just the flavour of the month, but he realized we clicked so well. And I wasn’t that weird. So he decided to not let me go. He decided he should try it with me.
But he never let me in.I just thought he was so damaged or that it’s just a guy thing, he couldn’t share his feeling with me. It was weird for me, but I gave in. Month after month. Till he walked out. And the thing is, till the very end…that very night, only he realized what he was doing. Does it matter?
Looking back, he couldn’t care less if I was well or sick. It was just all talk. He just couldn’t factor me in his plans. Agreeing to do locum last minute when he promised to come and spend the weekend. And he just sms me that morning to let me know. He didn’t ask if I will be ok about it.
I have to take care of his needs, but he make me look cheap when I need him. I remember I have gastritis, and still I have to go to supermarket to get us dinner while he fixed his car. I remember I was so sick one time, and he persuaded me. And he asked me if that make me feel better.
I remember going to his family’s open house, thinking he will introduce me to his parents. He didn’t. I have to sit through with his frens, listening to him making fun of people.
He is a pathological liar, lying his ways to make himself look good or sound good. Till now, I don’t know which is true. And he looks down on every single person including me. Mocking my accent. Making fun of me. And he is such a sweet talker, you didn’t know that he is making fun of you till much later.
I was so used to him changing plans last minute, till mentally, I make myself a back-up plan just in case.
The most frustrating part is that till now, I don’t know if he is that confused himself or did he actually think about what is he doing. How much he could potentially hurt another person by his actions?
He could buy a game for himself in a day, but he couldn’t buy the same game for me in a month.
Why did he lie to me and make me think I was just being paranoid and never trust him, when he is indeed lying to me? Why till that night, he could still deny it? And then, threw it away by give some petty excuses? Why can’t he just tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me any more before I found out from his lies?
Who does that?
Looking back
Looking back;
Sometimes, you think you know better. Your instinct telling you that you know better. But you gave in to the benefit of doubt.
Sometimes, you get yourself prepared. Get yourself ready. And when it is here, you tried to do everything right. But it just didn’t turn out right. And you get burned.
Sometimes, you will not find the answers. You will never understand how things unravelled. No matter how much you question it. No matter how much you try to understand it. Especially people matters.
Sometimes, the only consolation you are forced to accept is this is life. Or there is karma in life. Or this is fate. Or you know you definitely deserve better and it is coming. So you start waiting. Again.
Sometimes, you can’t win all. Or lose all.
Looking back;
I thought I was hurt so bad that I used to run from any sign of commitment. But after it all, I was capable to do the right thing, to love another and I know who I am. Could never lose it even if I tried.
I just have to remind myself of who I really am.
I was ready to give up part of my life for him. I was ready to allow him into the major decision-making in my life, and he couldn’t even let me finish my sentence.
I know now, you can’t lie about affectionate. You do know when a person care or a person think they should care. And it make a big difference to lives.
I spent a long time letting the past be part of my life. ‘Cause I didn’t want it to disappear with time. The past has to mean something to my life. Even if it is hurting me again and again. But now, it lost its’ appeal. Maybe because it already live in me. It doesn’t matter any more. I have enough baggages to carry. Actually I do thank him for it, he never listened to it. And I did forget it for a short time that it wasn’t important to the presence.
It is always in me. It is always important to me. And I need someone who will acknowledge its importance, but also make me forget the pain.
I have to consciously remind myself, it’s over. And whatever happen to him, whatever it is….I have to stop thinking about it. It is enough.
Heart is a fickle thing?
He bailed.
He worked his way into my life, and then he walked out. And pretended I didn’t exist. Now, he is joking around with his friends, when there’s someone out there is hurting very badly from his practical joke.
Time and time again I ended up asking myself, who does that?
Looking back, I should have follow my instinct. To quit when I felt something doesn’t feel right. But, is it wrong to have the benefit of doubt and think the best intention of people? Apparently this prove otherwise. And I ended up being the one all messed-up.
Analysing and re-analysing the situation, dissecting the chain of events that had happened, connecting the dots that lead to the present situation…and still, I couldn’t believe he could just walk out and never even bother to have a moment of painful doubt of what he is doing to a person who really cared for him, accepted him for who he is and love him for it. Nanda.
The only consolation is that I know he will regret it because I know I am true and I am awesome. But I’m not sure what will become of me. Cause I am refusing to change my beliefs. I still want to give the benefit of doubt. I still want to believe in the good intention of people. I still believe in soulmates and love and whatever.
And it is proving tedious and very tiring, and suffocating. Heart is a fickle thing?
Mind is a fickle thing. But I want to believe the heart isn’t.
Why must we go through life with a hardened heart and a softer mind? Why not the other way round? I’m asking You. And I’m begging You to not let me have a hardened heart.
Today have been ok
Maybe I’m just don’t want to go back to where I was a year ago. I’m scared to return to that state. Again.
Reading my old blog posts reminded me of me, and I’m not ready for it.
Doing things by myself. No big deal. But spending lonely nights hoping that tomorrow I wake up, it will be different. Constantly hoping that I have someone who understand me, care for me and willing to spend time with me, sharing thoughts.
To constantly hope that I’ll meet my McDreamy….that’s a dread. I do believe in soulmates or at least, someone who willing to fight to stay with me. Even though day by day I’m dark and twisty, or in pain so much I just want to hurt others.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t have it with him. I just have a companion, and I thought I shouldn’t expect him to fulfil my whatever. But I do enjoy his positivism and his cute laughters. A nice balance to my melancholic self.
Alex: You died in my arms. You died in my arms! You freakin died, and then you left instructions that I wasn’t allowed to save your life. You wanna know what I’m scared of? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared to move. I’m scared to breathe. I’m scared to touch you. I can’t lose you. I won’t survive. And that’s your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in. And then you freaking died in my arms.
So I’m back to my usual self. My survival mode. My constant hoping and dreading. When I read a nice book or watch a good movie, only I will know it. If I have a good day or bad day, I can only superficially tell others. I can share my thoughts in this blog and the occasionally, whisky in my hand. And I’ll be so desperate, I mix around with people around, meeting new people like an eager, enthusiastic gal. Writing about all these already make me feel so tired.
Going back and forth with God and Life. Running back and forth from my past, present and future. Most of all, going to bed dreading for another disappointed hopeful tomorrow morning. Been doing that for the past 27 years. Can’t really blame myself for saying I am pretty tired of feeling like this.
The other alternative? Will it be too selfish for me to hope for someone to show me there is another way, or distract me? And it doesn’t involve feeling guilty with God because of my inadequacy?
“Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.
The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.”
Pain and Us
As doctors, we are trained to fix the problem of the human body.
If the body lacks of something, we give more. If the body has excessive of something, we decrease it. If it’s in pain, we give painkillers. And if the body didn’t need that thing, we cut it out.
But when the heart aches and even if we know what the very thing it needs, the heart has just wait it out till the pain gone. As usual, time will heal.
Actually that is one bullshit thing to say. Time don’t heal. It makes us get used to pain, the pain become a chronic one….we learned to live with it. We encapsulated it, fortified it that no one can see or penetrate it. We deny the pain by sheer of willpower. Or we just let the pain take over and control our lives. Or we channel the pain to others, whether it’s to other part of body or to other people.
Sometimes, if we are lucky, eventually we’ll forget that pain exists. But the pain is always there. It becomes us. It haunts us every now and then, to remind us of who we are.
I know I will survive this. Maybe I’m fighting a lost cause to make sure this pain will not be me.
I watched too much Grey’s.
Turn on a dime
We have only one shot at life.
I know that so well. Can never forget the Saturday I answered the call, that change my life and my family’s. To wake up one day not knowing you wont be seeing your dad anymore.
Turn on a dime. That’s what life does to you. And it never failed to scare the shit out of me, that it will happen again.
And it did happen again. One minute I thought I have it all, I finally got my dream job. My family is safe and sound. I have someone who I cares and cared for me. I really thought I have it all. And the next minute, I feel my life crumbled before me.
I know it’s silly. I’m throwing away my career. I’m so distracted, I’m totally off my game. My family feel helpless seeing me sinking down. My ego is hurt badly. And I couldn’t get perspective in life.
And I know that in the future, I will look back and laugh how silly I am. I’m feeling so silly already.
I was pushing it too far. I was looking at the future when I wasn’t even ready. I still didn’t have what it takes yet to take the next level, and I wanted to take short cuts. Still a baby, trying to stand steady and I wanted to walk.
I have my part to blame for this. That is for sure. But this is an experience well-learned. I know who I am and what I can do. I didn’t try my best, I did my best and I fought hard – to face my demons, face my fears and I did learn how to love someone again. And I know, I will be ready to take to the next level when the time comes.
I will never get it why he didn’t fight or at least hang around to talk about it. But that is between him and his demons. And it will take a long time, I know, to forgive and forget whatever he did to me.
I have to move on with my life. There won’t be many chances in this life for me to miss out.
Turn on a dime. As easily as it can for things to get bad, I believe it is also as easily as it is to get good again.
I’m a lion. I lost a lion fight. I bear the scar and I still can roar. Still a lion.
