A simpleton couldn’t see

To sum up my current situation:

• There is a fire burning  my heart but the cold reality is slowly creeping in
• Most of the times I have are spent doodling and daydreaming of some sort of grand plans
• I’m scared of the future, growing old and to realize I didn’t do anything when I had the chance.
• I believe in God, but I’m still finding my way home and my calling.
• I wish I could start all over again, a chance to get it right.
• I’m like a broken cistern, never could get it filled.
• What really stopping me from taking a step too far is simply the sense of responsibility to my family, and I always wonder what will happen next after I settled it.
• I’m still finding the cure for my pain. I know God is all healing, all love….and I’m still stubborn to want to find my own way. Stupid.
• I envy those who have found their purpose whatever that might be, and who are reaching for it, and sleep peacefully because they are too tired from it.
• I’m trying to make sense of it all….the fragility of life, yet how love and hope continues to flicker from the souls.

Writing all this down is making me realize, I have let myself stuck in the past, in the state of constant self-inflicted agony, and worst, waiting for someone to take notice. Well, no one will. Because they have their own lives to lead and problems to deal with. There are worst things that is happening out there, and I’m so selfish and stupid to keep whining about my PAST problems.

It’s time again I take charge of my life, and allow God to steer my way home.

All that I’m asking for
Is that you need nothing more
And nothing comes in between
Our love and its fragile scene

Where do I stand?

My faith has been shaken to the core. To some, eventually they will bounce back stronger and wiser. They will hold on to their faith, and eventually things will get better. I wish I’m one of them.

Cuz till now, I bounced back alright. I’m wiser, I’m stronger… But my faith remained weak. I put a huge big concrete wall between me and God, and I expect a miracle to happen. But can You blame me? It has been my defense mechanism all the while. Especially when everything seem to tumble down, my best intentions seem to make a mess around, and I was as lost as a lost sheep could get. I adapted, I paved my way through. I know something is missing. I could feel the emptiness but I couldn’t put my hand through.

Dear God, am I asking too much? Am I too late to return? I don’t really need anyone to point me to the right direction or walk me back. I know, I saw it. All I really need is a reason, a reason to fall back in love with You. All I need is someone who see right through me and understand me, doesn’t need to hear the stories and doesn’t need to offer advice, just tell it to my face that, “Enough. Go back.”

Of Heaven And Hell

This is not a Christian sermon telling people to accept Christ or (in crude way intended) “go to hell”.

This is not an atheist trying to explain there is no such thing. Just a scare tactic to join the “cult”

Probably this will just end up… A babble.

I believe that when we die, we don’t just disappear like shadow and dust. I hope to believe that the good, innocent ppl will b rewarded and the bad ppl will, well go to hell. Karma bites back this life or next.

But whether ppl who accepted Christ will automatically eligible to enter heaven, n those who is not will be sent down to hell. Sorry, I don’t buy it. It doesn’t make sense. The only question I will ask these fanatics is this, “Who the hell are you to judge?” and “Is this why you believe in Christ or that this is your deserved reward?” Ok, make that two only questions.

I believe there is God and we are His children. And every one born into this world with an innate sense of morality. And what happened between the 1st breath and the last breathe we take, like how we got cancer, it’s multifactorial with a stroke of luck. And since we are all His children, I would want to believe that if you give a decision to any loving father of children, to disown a child (weeding off the bad plants fr the garden) no father would. Punish yes. But punish for the child’s good.
But as I asked, who are we to judge?
If a Christian use this scare tactic, then he deserved to go to hell cause he has misled the innocent to believe that God is not love but just an unbiased judge.

And if one feared of his mortality and thinking that well, let’s put the eggs in all basket, we could only pray he/she would come understand God’s love along the way.

As with my take of the innate sense of morality we all have, there is ‘this sense’ we have, an inner voice. Some called it sixth sense, some called it God’s calling or the Spirit. I think we all do have it, just do we trust ourselves enough to trust it? And if we don’t or just second-guess it, is it fair to judge us as ignorant bunch? This then seem to violate our freewill. Why I am saying this? Well, there are many people in this world who never have a chance or the ability to understand the spiritual journey. Maybe they been told or emotionally blackmailed about this, but they seem to be so ‘wedged deep inside’ into whatever their lives are, that the change they been asked to make, seem to be awfully too much to digest. Is it fair then for them? Again, who are we to judge?

I don’t like talking about or even hearing about the heaven and hell idea. Have you been in a place that you wish to voice out your opinion but the voices surrounding you is just too loud?

Personally, I have to admit there might be an ulterior motive to why I just can’t voice out. A Christian told us, her greatest wish is to see her parents accept Christ and be able to go to heaven (since the discussion have been heaven and hell) and went on to tell the sad story of her father’s tough upbringing full with hardship, learning to take care the family when he was just a boy. And he been refusing to listen to her about surrendering to God etc.

What I really want to do? I really wanted to stand up and shout at her what an ignorant idiot she has been.

Have you ever give a time for your father to voice out his deep-seated feeling, his reservation, instead making him looked like an ignorant? He was forced to hide his feeling, his insecurities, his grief over his own father’s suicide  and just grow up and be a man. He didn’t know a God, He didn’t need Him or maybe he did but in the end of day, he is still on his own. And those craps he felt, he just couldn’t give a shit. So the idea of him surrendering to a ‘thing’ that just wasn’t there before and certainly not now? Who is the ignorant idiot now?

And every child love the father even if the father never been really there. Have one ever thought that it might be just too much to bear to know the loved one is burning in hell eternally?

Because I know the feeling. And it is the unspoken unbearable pain that in a heartbeat, I would exchange my place for my father. He was a good man, he might had flaws but he was a good man. All his life, he sacrificed for his family whether when he was a boy, a growing man, and a family man. And he died too early. Are you telling me my father is in hell forever? And nothing anyone can do, even God can change it? And if I died tomorrow, I will be prancing like a pixie fairy at the gate of Heaven and looked down into Hell, and said, “I told you so”?

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m in denial, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I will never be with my father again. Till now, I still wish that there this is all a nightmare, or that my father is secretly a spy and his death is just plan to make people believe he died but actually well alive somewhere in the world. But I know, even if I will one day, come to accept truthfully that he is gone, I don’t think I can believe that he is in hell. If that’s true, God is not love. God is just a cold bastard like Hitler. But I know God is love. So how now brown cow?

Nothing going to change. Tomorrow I wake up and nothing going to differ